I know everyone's tired of hearing about the move, but It's given me some perspective. You know how in the movies some sage old man is always telling some heartbroken young man that he'll know when he finds "the one" because he'll see his future when he looks in her eyes? I'm having that experience with this house.
The old house was a dark cave where I mourned my past and couldn't picture my future. The sidewalk just ended at the edge of a cliff at the end of the world. I was angry at the stifling nature of the physical dwelling (by virtue of lack of space) which in turn stunted my imagination. Every time I pictured the future I pictured it somewhere else.
I remember simply being incapable of imagining a having a family with my ex-boyfriend. I loved him and believed at the time I'd be with him forever, but I couldn't even daydream our kids. It just wasn't there. It was like that with the old house. I couldn't see the kids growing up there even when I tried. I could only see the present and sometimes the past (shudder) there.
In this house I see Isaac's high school graduation party, I see Riley's prom, I see all the milestones lined up like little bright stars on the horizon. I can see so many birthday parties, play dates, slumber parties and games of tag in the yard. When Riley's been trying to communicate something with me and she finally gets what she wants she always says "yes, dis!". Well, that's it exactly "yes, dis."
It isn't just the physical structure, but more what being here has done for my perspective. I feel like making this change brought oxygen rushing back into my lungs again. Now, I have hope. My dwindling social life is returning to a healthy place, my painfully slow recovery from the spinal fusion got a push in the right direction, my sense of ownership is renewed and therefore my powerlessness is fading. My relationship with the world is different because when I go home I have my own space. Not just room, but my own little corner just for my writing, crafting, scrap booking, etc. I no longer return to the place where I store things and sleep. A clean slate and a project to attack as a team has done wonders for my relationship. It "reversed the signs of aging." I know that where ever you go there you are, but it turns out the old happy smiley Katie was waiting for me here.