Pleasantville. If you've never see it it's a great movie. It's a black and white 1950's sitcom world and things start changing. My absolute favorite scene is when William H. Macy comes home from work and for the first time in his married life his wife doesn't greet him at the door and there's no dinner on the table. He searches the house unable to understand how this could be possible and then defeated slumps down into a chair and in the most heart breaking tone utters "But where's my dinner?"
So, I went camping this weekend and came back with a stiff tired body and a big old mess. Monday I decided to just take it easy. Let me explain that "take it easy" these days means get Isaac to and from school, feed and change the baby all day, and make sure homework is finished. Mike brought home a pizza for dinner at my request.
The next morning Riley and I had an appointment at 9:15am. We were there until just after 10am, then we went to the grocery store, came home and put all the food away, unpacked all the camping stuff, moved the laundry, ate lunch, fed and changed the baby a few dozen times and then went to pick up Isaac at school. When I got home I completely intended to get Isaac going on homework, feed the baby and start dinner. That did not happen. Instead, the homework that should have taken 20-30min tops dragged on for hours and the baby didn't want to be put down. In the end I got all the prep work done and some of the cooking, but didn't finish.
So, when Mike got home and Isaac was still finishing homework and the baby was eating, but dinner was not done. I said "Hi, I need help." and pointed to the kitchen. If his thoughts were audible they would have been the Pleasantville quote.
Once I explained all I accomplished he was less annoyed, but it's my fear that I'll fail at this. Not that I'll fail at taking care of Riley I've never felt that, but that I'll fail at everything else. The housework, dinner, laundry, etc as well as my relationships to everyone else. I'm sure you can imagine how different things are when you have a new baby with your significant other, but it goes beyond that. I'm too exhausted to make the effort most days and pregnancy/bedrest were really isolating. Which brings me back to, "well if I have no life outside the house I should be able to get this done."
I miss having total freedom to accomplish my goals. Now there are so many demands on my time it's hard to imagine. So I will continue on do the best I can for now and imagining the day when the kids look back and thank me (if I survive).